I’m a fan of Italy, so please excuse my English. I’ve been in a straight relationship with my boyfriend for seven years, we’re both around 30, and we love each other and blah blah blah. The sex is very good but pretty standard as we don’t have any particular inclinations or fetishes. I always reach orgasm before penetration, but only with fingering. It turns me on when he lands on me, but it doesn’t “do the trick”. After cumming I feel like something is missing if we don’t have penetrative sex that ends with him penetrating me. But because that part doesn’t amuse me much – being penetrated doesn’t make me cum, and I get penetrated after I cum – I usually urge him to cum quickly, which is a bit frustrating for him. Is it weird that I need that kind of “closure” for sex? Is it weird that I want him to come inside me like this? Where does this need come from? I’m sure you’ll get a great response!
—Strange orgasmic needs defy easy justifications
You’re in a better position to judge where this need of yours is coming from – and you’re most likely in a missionary position (not that there’s anything wrong with that!) – but if I were to hazard a assumption…
Sex meets our physical need for touch, pleasure and release, WONDER, but it also meets emotional needs. And sometimes what a sexual act and/or an eroticized act symbolizes is just as or more important than what it feels like. It means something to you – something important – when your boyfriend enters you during PIV. And since your boyfriend comes inside you after you’ve already cummed – usually after you’ve asked him to speed things up – it’s not about your pleasure then. It’s not about how feels, WONDER, what is it about means. Your physical needs have already been met; your boyfriend made you cum with his fingers. But sex doesn’t feel real and complete until your boyfriend enters you. In the moment — in those moments — it’s more about what’s going on between your ears, which is more about what sex means than what it feels like.
Reading my column, WONDER, you should know (hope you know) that two or more people can have a satisfying and meaningful sexual encounter that leaves them feeling connected and satisfied without anyone being penetrated during PIV or PIT or GDP and without anyone comes inside anyone else. Indeed, a person can have a meaningful sexual encounter that satisfies them without coming at all.
But if you want to shake things up with the boyfriend – if you sometimes want to give your boyfriend a chance to enjoy fucking you without being rushed – you can always wait for him to do it. Now you are an adult, sexually active, 30 or so European Union citizen, WONDER, and I guess this might have crossed your mind before. But I’ll throw it away just in case: let your boyfriend fuck you until you’re completely horny, then let him take his time fucking you until he comes, and then – and only so – let him finger you until you come.
I’ve been with my partner for three years and we recently decided to dip our toes in swing waters. We were okay with just doing a “soft swap” to start with and then seeing where that went. We met a few couples and got on well with one. At first, my boyfriend was super respectful of my boundaries, but he became obsessed with being on swinger apps all the time. He loves “reality porn”, i.e. profiles, and that’s right. But there is AF secret about it. If everything is out in the open, why does it need to be secret?!? I broached the subject and the conversation always ends with him saying, “I’m sorry! I’m bored! I’m not looking for anyone else!” But his obsession is starting to affect my self-esteem. We have a stellar sex life and I’m a starving woman. It’s not like we have a “dead room” problem here. I had a conversation with him last night about whether we should call it quits. I said if this is something he would like to continue on his own then he is free to do so – as a single man. I don’t want to hold him back if that’s what he needs in his life, but I’m not going to suffer because of it either. I don’t know what else to do. I’d love to hear your thoughts on navigation.
—Seriously worried about partner’s obsession
There are two possible explanations for why your boyfriend has suddenly started being so secretive and squirrelly about what he’s doing on this swing app. First, he might cheat or plan to cheat. He might do something that violates the rules you established when you started the relationship, for example, meeting a couple alone, or he might be making plans to do something that breaks those rules, for example, talking with couples to make a full exchange. Possible explanation two: Your boyfriend ran into a bad case of a kid in the candy store, got carried away, and knew, before you even said anything, that you were annoyed by it. But instead of calling it back, he tried to hide it from you. Dietary thinking may even have led him to believe he was considering your feelings when he tried to hide what he was doing.
Either way, SWAPO, you’ve given an ultimatum – if he doesn’t get this shit down, you’re gonna end it (the swinging) or end it (the relationship) – and soon you’ll know what what you have to do.
I’m a 60 year old gay man with a 35 year old straight friend – and no, this letter isn’t going where you think it’s going. We became best friends with no benefits. We have a lot of common interests and we like to do things together on weekends. I never had any indication that he had a sexual interest in me and I’m not going to ruin our friendship by making sexual advances to him. Last year I went through a very difficult time personally, involving illness and several deaths in my family. He was there for me completely – really, beyond anything I could have ever expected. I would like to give him a gift to express my gratitude for his support and I can afford to be extravagant. The problem is, I don’t want to give her anything extravagant if there’s a chance my generosity will be interpreted as a come-on. Our friendship works because we respect each other’s boundaries, and I don’t want him to think I’ve suddenly tried to cross one. So here’s my question: what does a 60-year-old gay man give to a straight man half his age who will express appreciation for his support during a difficult time in my life, but not convey a sexual desire? Or is there such a gift?
— Fully recovered and grateful
It’s easier for me to dismiss things than to rule them out, FRAT, since, aside from his age and righteousness, I know next to nothing about your friend. I mean, you already know not to give your straight friend an expensive leather scarf or a shiny latex gimpsuit, right? You don’t need me to tell you that, do you?
So, besides pussy, what does your straight friend like? Does he like football? Get him a pair of tickets to see the team he likes the most and encourage him to pick up a friend (or a date) who shares his passion for this kind of straight bullshit. Does he like video games? Give him one of those giant TVs that straight gamers love to play on. Does he like to go out and is he fully vaccinated? Get him plane vouchers and give him enough money to pay for a good hotel and food and tell him to go have a great vacation fully vaccinated. Or is there something he needs rather than wants – much like you need emotional and logistical support during your illness and family tragedies? If he needs his credit cards paid off, pay them off. If he needs his car paid for, pay it.
And if you’re concerned that he may misinterpret your generosity as a benefit or as a precedent (that lavish gifts will keep coming) or as a burden (that you expect lavish gifts in return), respond to all of these interpretations. possible mistakes in the card: “You have been such a kind and generous friend during an extremely difficult time in my life and I wanted to do something special for you — just this once — to thank you. I hope we will always be friends.”
Finally, FRAT, there’s also the option of giving him something reasonable — maybe tickets to a football game count — and then writing that straight boy down in your will. He certainly won’t think you’re trying to get into his pants after you die.
Hey, Everyone: Fuck Alito and fuck Thomas and fuck Roberts and fuck Kavanaugh and fuck Gorsuch and fuck Barrett. Fuck anyone who forces a woman to give birth against her will. But while SCOTUS may be able to reverse Roe vs. Wade and allow Republican-controlled state legislatures to ban abortion in most of the United States, we don’t have to go back to the days when women who needed abortions – and trans people and non-binaries who needed abortions – couldn’t get them safely. Abortion pills (Mifepristone and Misoprostol) are safe and effective, can be safely self-administered, and can be purchased online for around $100. For more information, go to shareabortionpill.info. Stock up to have them on hand if you or your friends or family members or co-workers or neighbors need them.
Ask Dan: [email protected]. Follow Dan on Twitter @FakeDanSavage. Dan’s columns, podcasts, books, merchandise and more at savage.love.
Stay connected with Detroit Metro Times. Subscribe to our newsletters and follow us on Google News, Apple News, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram or Reddit.